Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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