If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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