If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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