So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
