i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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