I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
