i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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