I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
