I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
