Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
