Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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