Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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