I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
