I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
