Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
