If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
