SEEEEXXX PLEASE
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
