Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize