well you can't waste a boner
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
