Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
