did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i now understand why vodka
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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