i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
