I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize