Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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