I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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