In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
