I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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