I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
