it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
