good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
