We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
