I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I didn't notice because vodka
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
