I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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