Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
