I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
