Having a random hookup so left but love u
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
