My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
We are all done wearing pants today
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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