There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
