i need an iv and a liver transplant
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Damn victory sex feels great
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