Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
