garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
