separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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