Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
