today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize