I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You need Xanax blowdarts
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
