Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
