You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
