I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
