I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
