She said her name was "party"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
