I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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