why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
