I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
