The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
