I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
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