My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
