So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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