Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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