Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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