just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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