im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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