I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
