i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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