When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
