mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He's on the porch naked. Help.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
